Shelf Life: Have it your way at Dollar Tree?

By Wynter Holden

So, apparently clogging your arteries with greasy fast food just isn’t enough for Burger King. No longer satisfied with their meager billion-dollar business, they’ve scored some valuable real estate on supermarket shelves with Burger King Ketchup & Fries potato chips.

I can appreciate the need for a good french fry every now and again. They’re a truly decadent food: greasy, crunchy, hot and stuffed with so many preservatives that they’d likely survive a nuclear holocaust. (Well, at least the roaches would have something left to eat.) They’re also addictively tasty, especially when dipped in a Burger King vanilla shake.

Why not make them into a ketchup-flavored chip? Because cold fries suck. Because while ketchup is a nice compliment to a hot dog, it doesn’t go with Pringles. Because if I start seeing that creepy-ass King in my local Fry’s, I’m ordering online and getting my groceries delivered.

Before I completely disparage Burger King’s attempt at sneaking into our pantries, I figured I should give the chips a try. They’re not horrible. They have a crispy texture and a pungent scent and flavor that mimics the real thing, with less fat and cholesterol. But cold fries — even healthier ones — still suck. Besides, what can you pair cold fry chips with? Vanilla milkshake Pop Tarts? (Note: I actually tried this, and I wouldn’t advise it unless your gag reflex needs testing.)

Lucky for me, it looks like other shoppers aren’t ready to “have it their way” in the chip aisle either, since I last spotted the Ketchup & Fries chips en masse at my local Dollar Tree. Hopefully, Burger King will retreat from supermarkets after their failure. Because if not, what’s next? Whopper-flavored burger patties, I suppose. Sigh.