Yo, Lani, got a last-minute Xmas gift for ya… What pisses me off more than PHX light-rail construction, Mayor Phil “I’m a Pissant” Gordon, and the fact that most P-town restaurants close before 10pm? Answer: Tards who write me letters calling me a cross between Satan and Sasquatch, while using…
Heh, not every gal has one of these… No surprise that this week’s issue of the PHX gay-lesbian rag Echo includes a news story on the feud between Tom Anderson of Anderson’s Fifth Estate and local “diversity activist” Michele De Lafreniere. Nor was it a surprise that Echo essentially echoed…
Fernwood 2Nite’s Barth Gimble (Martin Mull, left) and Jerry Hubbard (Fred Willard, right). Think Greg Patterson’s a fan? How do you know when someone’s brain has been gnawed away by provincialism? I’m not talking about reporting or discussing local events, restaurants, bars, happenings, etc. All of that’s fair game, whether…
Talk about The Crying Game! For the past month, Scottsdale club owner Tom Anderson of Anderson’s Fifth Estate and local “diversity activist” Michele De Lafreniere have been engaged in an epic donnybrook of penile proportions. Seems De Lafreniere has been kickin’ up a shit storm after being tossed out of…
Can someone cue Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself,” please? This is so amazingly retarded that I couldn’t leave it alone. According this dumbass website, today is Global Orgasm Day, wherein everyone on Earth’s supposed to have an orgasm, think about world peace, and somehow make the world a better place…
Enter Flynt, and the crowd roars, “Lar-ry, Lar-ry!” A spontaneous chant, full of the sort of her0-worship normally reserved for the likes of Jerry Springer or Howard Stern: “Lar-ry, Lar-ry!” That’s how the 200 men and women attending the grand opening of Tempe’s brand-spankin’ new Hustler Hollywood store last night…
It’s been obvious to The Bird for a long time that Sheriff Joe Arpaio despises New Times. Why else would he violate the Arizona public records law by keeping documents about pertinent activities to taxpayers hidden from the public? Why else would he deny New Times writers access to his…
It’s been obvious to The Bird for a long time that Sheriff Joe Arpaio despises New Times. Why else would he violate the Arizona public records law by keeping documents about pertinent activities to taxpayers hidden from the public? Why else would he deny New Times writers access to his…
www.ashestoportraits.com Dead Ringer: Er, for Paul Giamatti’s Harvey Pekar in American Splendor, perhaps? I’m not sure what’s creepier about this Ashes to Portraits website, the fact that they’re actually mixing human cremains (i.e., cremated remains) into oil-based paint and using it to depict a lost loved one, or the site’s…
Katt Sandwich: from left, the booful Lena Smith, Katt “Money Mike” Williams, and the stunning Vivian Ware of UrbanAz.com. So Luenell, how is Borat in the sack? The Black Sinatra: Wanna hear a few bars of “Sweet Child O’ Mine”? If Jesse Jackson had been on hand for Katt Williams’…
Polyg Pope Warren Jeffs, Prez of the FLDS Jane Doe is big news today. She’s the gal, now 20, who’s pointing the finger in what’s sure to be the most significant polygamist prosecution case in a generation. Prosecutors in Washington County, Utah allege that polyg pope Warren Jeffs, head of…
Has it occurred to anyone besides this tweeter that Phoenix may now be better known for serial killers than saguaros? Leaping lapwings, last week P-town news was all about alleged multiple murderers, whether it was serial shooter suspect Dale Hausner tryin’ to OD on antihistamines and other over-the-counter meds, or…
Thanks, KKKramer! Nothing like a lil’ racism to boost sales. See what race-baiting does? You get caught on a cell-phone camera yelling the N-word at audience members, and suddenly your DVD sales are up 75%. That’s the deal with season seven of Seinfeld post Kramer freak-out, and it’s one reason…
www.fermier.com Christopher Gross: What’s in a name? Check out what Maricopa County’s Environmental Services had to say about much-ballyhooed Frenchified grub-shack Christopher’s Fermier Brasserie last month on November 21: “Sufficient water supply not available”; and, “Sewage present in establishment.” No wonder the inspector immediately suspended Christopher’s license to operate, shutting…
www.tempe12.com This Tempe 12 squalie earns an A+, though not all do. OK, so this is basically a made-up controversy that would hardly be worth blogging about if it were not for all the hot chicks involved. Seems the owners of Tempe 12, a business that produces calendars of college…
www.onewordlong.com Ryan Avery: Man-Child in the Promised Land… Nothing steamrolls over one’s enemies like success. And as sure as the moon is pockmarked like Artie Lange’s buttcheeks, I can promise you that pudgy performance-artist/rocker Ryan Avery will one day be trading quips with Conan O’Brien while the limp-dicks at AZPunk.com…
Ever since drug-testing colossus Covance announced its Chandler invasion, this selfish sandpiper’s generally sided with the biotech behemoth, which does federal-mandated animal testing of drug compounds headed to market. Sure, this feathered fiend cares for the animal kingdom’s other species. But if it comes down to a choice between a…
William “Fucking” Reed: His middle name ain’t “Fucking” for nothin’. We at the New Times, being the bad boys (and girls) of journalism, want to reward those at Get Out attempting to breathe some life into that moribund institution. Why? Well, because we know G.O.’s editors are generally a buncha…
www.eastvalleytribune.com The Trib’s not-so-edgy Get Out, pulled for “fucking.” Quiz time, ladies and germs: What old Anglo-Saxon word just cost the East Valley Tribune (owned by Freedom Communications, Inc.) $12,000? Here’s a clue: it rhymes with schmuck, and only a schmuck would pay $12K for it. I’m talking about the…
www.venganza.org Blessed be his holy name… News Flash, Friends and Fiends of the Feathered Bastard: Though I’ve heretofore self-pigeonholed myself as an agnostic with pro-atheist leanings, I’ve recently received a vision, and am now declaring myself a holy Imam in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Henceforth, before I…
Keep your effin’ religion to yourself, no matter what it is… Ever since US Airways kicked six Muslim religious leaders off a flight bound for Phoenix, I’ve had a lot of fun watching various wing-nuts chastise the imams for praying a little too loudly and obviously to Allah. Rib-ticklin’ stuff,…
from CNA’s web site, Sandy Summers, eat your heart out… Of this week’s Bird items, the one closest to my evil lil’ cardiac muscle is the victory over the forces of political correctness by “Dr. Jon” Basso owner of Tempe’s Heart Attack Grill, where artery clogging ground round is served…
