image courtesy of USDA (no, really) Who knew you needed a degree for this? Couldn’t help myself with this one. Did you know they need “lactation consultants” in Sun City? One would’ve thought the wrinkled dugs up there would be as dry as a parson. And who knew there was…

C.C. and Barry, Jr., dragging the Senator down to their level. The Bird takes flight this week and drops a colossal load on the Goldwater family for censoring the Goldwater papers at the Arizona Historical Foundation. Less than a week after my cover story “Goldwater Uncut,” C.C., Barry, Jr. and…

The Triumph of Mediocrity: “Femmebot” Manet. Has she finally gotten a man-date? I took in the election returns last night with my fellow imbibers at Nixon’s at The Esplanade, specifically with the charming Stephanie Carrico & JRC, owners of the Trunk Space gallery on Grand Avenue. Guinness and good company…

Over and out for now: CCC Owners Andres and Mony Yuhnke… Sad word today that the 24-7 java joint CounterCulture Cafe at 24th Street and McDowell Road is closing its doors after their asshole landlords gave owners Andres (Dre) Yuhnke and wife Mony literally one day to amscray. Seems there…

KR, livin’ the life… Like you need more proof that the ‘tards at AZPunk.com are, for the most part, complete fucking, no-talent losers, obsessed with dragging down anyone who rises above their incestuous little pool of wannabes, but today there are EIGHT TEN ELEVEN TWELVE PAGES AND COUNTING of spleen…

Don’t listen to the haters, Katie… Why do the dillweeds on AZ Punk.com so despise startender, party-person & all-around hot babe Katie Rose? Is it ’cause she’s attained a level of fame that they, sitting in grubby T-shirts and eating Cheetos before ‘puter screens in their ‘rents’ basements, will never…

Manet, doing what she does best: Cutting fucking ribbons. Len “Premarital” Munsil may be headed for certain defeat (picture a surfer heading into a tsunami), but the fella made an excellent point in a November 3 post to his blog about the Guv’s lack of vision and her last-minute, half-assed…

A photo of the Bobster, from a 1977 New West article… Expect the usual, tired civic-booster blowjob-ism from most other local media on the news of Barry’s bro Bob Goldwater heading for that big pro-am golf tourney in the sky. Bob Goldwater, 96, was Sen. Barry Goldwater’s little brother, as…

You’re nobody till somebody loves you… OK, so after Tuesday, all of those bloody political signs will be headed for the closest landfill, so let’s have fun with them while there’s still time! I’m hereby announcing my 2006 awards for PHX Political Signs, so let’s go: 1) Worst Attempt at…

Not Doug MacEachern, or so he says… Dan Nowicki at the Repug’s Plugged In blog mentioned my post about his paper’s fetish for reporter mug shots in a humorous retort on Thursday, and Doug MacEachern wrote a funny post to my blog item, even after I called the guy a…

Give ’em hell, Tiger… The Prez, up close and personal… Learned about the Clinton-Pederson-Mitchell rally on Hayden Lawn at ASU at the last minute today and sped like a Tasmanian devil down to Tempe to catch the action. Hayden Lawn was PACKED, and the highpoint of the late-afternoon rally –…

The girl next door — you wish! The premier issue of this freebie mag XESS features a six page interview and photo spread on former ASU cheerleader and newbie porn queen Courtney Simpson (aka, “Courtney Cox” — no, not the Friends star; aka, “Cory Hart”). The Bird mentioned Courtney last…

The truth would set her free… This week’s Bird tackles the icky issue of Governor Janet Napolitano’s sexuality (Birdlink). Personally, I don’t think the woman has sex, not even with herself. But if, like the SNL character Pat, she had to choose, it’s pretty obvious which outhouse she’d use. Why…

Would’ve made a great Holloween costume for LDJ… Remember Leroy Donald Johnson — the deputy Mesa fire chief who got popped for slipping it to his neighbor’s lamb? The Bird squawked about it in a memorable March item, but someone sent me this gag pic the other day (right), and…

Mayor Goober and his Crime Czar, Tickle Me Elmo. Remember Mayor Phil “Pipsqueak” Gordon’s front-porch bench program — you know, that lame-ass Mayberry-esque initiative where people were supposed to park their fannies on these stupid benches, eat popsicles, and protect their neighborhoods “from vandalism, car thefts, drug sales and other…

Dangerously cute: A bonus pic of Paula… Arpaio with major babeage, including Hell on Heelster Paula Monarch (right). OK, so I know Sheriff Joe’s a mean SOB, and has done some right evil shit in his day, including fucking with illegal aliens, allowing third-world conditions in his jails that have…

Republicans would be so much happier if they’d just toke up, dood… PC Friday is like one part Al Franken’s Stuart Smalley and two-parts Cheech and Chong. It’s freakin’ hi-larious. Every Friday from 5-6pm on the Liddy & Hill show (KKNT 960 AM), hosts Tom Liddy and Austin Hill channel…

My hero… I’m sure y’all will be accusing me of going gay for Libertarians after this post, but I have to say, I’m inclined to vote for Barry Hess, the Libertarian candidate for governor — he’s the only one of the three candidates who has a freakin’ personality. Janet’s an…

Not Ernie Hancock… Ernie Hancock is one wacky mofo. He’s currently running for Secretary of State, but he won’t be voting in the November 7 election. Why? Because he believes the whole thing is rigged through electronic voting machines, which have been proven hackable by none other than Princeton U…

Milk-curdling: Ferret face MacEachern… There’s a reason why print journos don’t do the evening news — ’cause generally their homely mugs could curdle cartons of fresh milk. (Save for yours truly’s, natch.) That’s why it’s so bizarre that the doofi at the AZ Repugnant’s opinion page foist their faces on…