This brazen beak-bearer can’t wrap its head feathers around why Zona press weenies are so scared of discussing whether Governor Janet Napolitano’s a secret lez. Pretty much everyone in this state with half a clue assumes “Manet,” as wags call her, is a lesbian. The Bird figures she’s a non-practicing…
A friend says she read somewhere that only 20 percent of Mexican men will go down on their ladies. I don’t believe that. Can you “spread” some light on the subject? El Gabacho Guapo Dear Handsome Gabacho: Let me penetrate the thrust of your friend’s argument by referring her to…
She’s the Man Straight shooter: Loved Robert Nelson’s assessment of Arizona’s governor (“The State of Her State,” October 26) in your “Deconstructing Janet” series: “Physically frumpy, asexual and thick, a voice somewhere between that of an adolescent male and the overexcited Howard Dean; brusque, oft combative, grudge prone, hints of…
Would’ve made a great Holloween costume for LDJ… Remember Leroy Donald Johnson — the deputy Mesa fire chief who got popped for slipping it to his neighbor’s lamb? The Bird squawked about it in a memorable March item, but someone sent me this gag pic the other day (right), and…
Mayor Goober and his Crime Czar, Tickle Me Elmo. Remember Mayor Phil “Pipsqueak” Gordon’s front-porch bench program — you know, that lame-ass Mayberry-esque initiative where people were supposed to park their fannies on these stupid benches, eat popsicles, and protect their neighborhoods “from vandalism, car thefts, drug sales and other…
Dangerously cute: A bonus pic of Paula… Arpaio with major babeage, including Hell on Heelster Paula Monarch (right). OK, so I know Sheriff Joe’s a mean SOB, and has done some right evil shit in his day, including fucking with illegal aliens, allowing third-world conditions in his jails that have…
Republicans would be so much happier if they’d just toke up, dood… PC Friday is like one part Al Franken’s Stuart Smalley and two-parts Cheech and Chong. It’s freakin’ hi-larious. Every Friday from 5-6pm on the Liddy & Hill show (KKNT 960 AM), hosts Tom Liddy and Austin Hill channel…
My hero… I’m sure y’all will be accusing me of going gay for Libertarians after this post, but I have to say, I’m inclined to vote for Barry Hess, the Libertarian candidate for governor — he’s the only one of the three candidates who has a freakin’ personality. Janet’s an…
Not Ernie Hancock… Ernie Hancock is one wacky mofo. He’s currently running for Secretary of State, but he won’t be voting in the November 7 election. Why? Because he believes the whole thing is rigged through electronic voting machines, which have been proven hackable by none other than Princeton U…
Milk-curdling: Ferret face MacEachern… There’s a reason why print journos don’t do the evening news — ’cause generally their homely mugs could curdle cartons of fresh milk. (Save for yours truly’s, natch.) That’s why it’s so bizarre that the doofi at the AZ Repugnant’s opinion page foist their faces on…
Janet Napolitano is the most unlikely of political superstars. A career born in bureaucracy and raised in political backrooms; physically frumpy, asexual and thick, a voice somewhere between that of an adolescent male and the overexcited Howard Dean; brusque, oft combative, grudge prone; hints of Girls State I’m-Trying-Too-Hard rah-rah; more…
Emily Mays was dead before her second birthday. “Blunt force trauma to the head,” said the medical examiner. Murder, said the police. There were bruises on Emily’s body, and scrapes and bruises on her head. Emily’s caregivers, a Tucson couple, were charged with felony child abuse. It sounds like any…
Brace yourself for the crescendo in the vulgar procession of congressional sex-scandal witnesses. Arizona’s elusive Representative Jim Kolbe must eventually appear before the committee investigating the moral corruption, click his red pumps together and testify about the grooming of high school students by the very men elected to lead the…
It’s hard out here for a brotha! First, we had to deal with those pieces of shit called the KKK and their supporters. Now we have to deal with the freakin’ Mexican invasion. Now I see why whites fretted over seeing their neighborhoods turn dark when Cleophus and LaKeisha moved…
All That Glitters . . . Crime dog: Your “Goldwater Uncut” article was really good (Stephen Lemons, October 19). I watched the documentary by Senator Barry M. Goldwater’s granddaughter, C.C. Goldwater, and thought it was great. Until I read your well-written story. There was a lot of interesting stuff left…
FOLEY: how my favorite young stud doing PAGE: tired and sore . . . FOLEY: you need a massage . . . PAGE: ugh tomorrow i have the first day of lacrosse practice FOLEY: love to watch that those great legs running PAGE: haha . . . they arent great…
It’s one of those yarns that reeks of cigarette butts, aftershave and spilt whiskey. The sort of titillating anecdote graying, well-connected boozehounds might swap while swilling whiskey sours at Durant’s, El Chorro or the Pink Pony. Here’s the short version: Back when he was Bird-dogger in Chief, John F. Kennedy…
For 14 months, Valley Metro Rail sat on complaints that its top construction manager repeatedly pressured contractors to hire a particular engineering firm. On Monday, October 16, after hearing from an independent ethics panel convened after New Times questioned the complaints, Valley Metro Rail fired the manager. Director of Design…
Whenever I hear people whistling at each other across the street to communicate, it hardly ever seems to be a gabacho, African-American, or Asian — it’s always a Mexican. Is it illegal in Mexico to yell out words too loudly, and whistling is a loophole in the law? Or does…
Bad Rap Hip-hop lite: I remember when rappers were bad, like Tupac and N.W.A (that’s Niggas With Attitude). An ex-con named Suge Knight produced a lot of these thugs out of a label called Death Row Records. You see where I’m goin’ here. Rap was gangsta. No little chicks allowed,…
God bless state Representative Russell “White Pride” Pearce. Yep, this nutty nightingale must give thanks a month before Turkey Day for this bumblefuck’s outing himself as a wanna-be skinhead, first by longing for the days of the 1950s-era deportation program “Operation Wetback,” then sealing his image as a racist redneck…
These days, with the GOP in free-fall and America’s 51st state (better known as Iraq) a bloody neocon nightmare, who’s waiting in the wings polishing his halo and patting down his white horse? Well, AZ’s own Senator John McCain, who expects to dispatch Democrat dragon-lady Hillary Clinton in the 2008…
